Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though