It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*