[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?