It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”