My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth