[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”