If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.