A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?