That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.