A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
🚲+physics = winner
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
me when the borders lift
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.