Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Best spot.. 😅
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.