Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Spring of Deception
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.