gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?