Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me