I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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the best thing i’ve ever made
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
yeah no that’s fair
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool