I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
This was the best day of my life
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.