Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
#StillHurts
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.