“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER