2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You Might Also Like
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room