Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.