I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town