I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong