I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Why soy sad?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.