“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Lucky old June.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?