Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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titanic
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.