[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Maths meets science
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”