HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.