[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Pretty much! 😂👀
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours