The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.