Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
welp
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“just sayin” who asked you though?