[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Oh thanks BBC.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them