Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.