[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
You Might Also Like
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
a badder mouse
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?