I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.