Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
A Short Story.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now