*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
A family that plays together cheats.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks