why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Brother?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou