You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“HELP WITH CAT”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me trying to walk in a dream
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying