Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.