In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Finally!
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.