me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
looks legit
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.