United Steaks of America
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.