Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
what’s more important?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*