Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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I love twitter
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.