Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.