The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
🤣😈🤣
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.