first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.