we all know this pain all too well
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?