THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.