Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
OKAY DAD
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here